The World’s Most Superficial NFL Preview

The following is the most superficial preview of the 2009 NFL season that kicks off Thursday night with the defending champion Pittsburgh Steelers versus the team with the best regular season record last year, the Tennessee Titans. It should be an interesting season full of twists, turns and surprises. Will the Detroit Lions win a game? Will Tony Romo date another blonde singer? Will Brett Favre retire and unretire again – that won’t be a surprise, he will….

Without further ado, preview and predictions…

AFC East
New England Patriots – Tom Brady returns. That is the story line for the franchise this season. Bill Belichek proved he could win without his star quarterback, but it will be much easier with Brady behind center. The defense is special and led by Jared Mayo who will be one of the best linebackers in football in the next couple of seasons.

Buffalo Bills – Terrell Owens make his presence known. The Bills made a splash in the offseason with by signing the malcontent wide receiver. Will he make the offence better? It hasn’t worked so far in the preseason as the Bills fired after the last pre-season game. They have a favorable schedule and if they can run the K-Gun properly their playoff drought will end.

Miami Dolphins – After a huge turnaround last season the Dolphins, they will try to repeat the fate. The schedule gets more difficult and Chad Pennington’s arm is likely to fall off at any given time. Also, now that the wildcat is out of the bag, defense coordinators around the league will be ready.

New York Jets – Dirty Sanchez. The rookie QB will try to turn around the fortunes of the Jets, but it will be difficult when both running backs are unhappy with their contracts, no star receiver to throw to and a mediocre defense. On a positive note they get to move into a beautiful new stadium next year.

AFC West
San Diego Chargers – The cream of the division. They could easily go 6-0 in the division. They feature one of the best offenses. LT, Phillip Rivers, Gates and Vincent Jackson. A fast, hard hitting defense who are ball hawks will make the offenses job that much easier.

Kansas City Chiefs – A new regime in KC. They brought in players this offseason that know how to win. A new starting QB in Matt Cassell is in the spotlight and he will work well with outstanding WR Dwayne Bowe. Larry Johnson was once an elite running back. He has been hurt the last couple of seasons, but with some pressure off of the running game, he has a chance to return to form. If last year’s first round pick Glenn Dorsey can be a force on the inside, this team will have a chance at .500.

Denver Broncos – Another new regime, however this transition has not been smooth. Rookie head coach Josh McDaniel immediately lost the confidence in his QB Jay Cutler and had to trade him to Chicago. Now he has pissed off star receiver Brandon Marshall. To win in the NFL you need all-pro’s, McDaniel has lost two already.

Oakland Raiders – What to say about this mess. JaMarcus Russell needs to be better and he will get his chance. After bringing in Jeff Garcia to be the back up, he was unexpectedly released at the end of the pre-season. Russell has weapons at his disposal. Running back Darren McFadden is explosive and is a game changer. They also drafted wide receiver Darius Hayward-Bay who has 4XL size hands. Russell should be able to throw it anywhere and this guy should catch it. Russell will get more help in the 2010 draft when the Raiders draft near the top…

AFC South
Indianapolis Colts – Peyton Manning does not like to lose. He works too hard for the Colts not to come back and be on top of this division. Manning still has Reggie Wayne and Anthony Gonzalez will be a much bigger part of this offense. Rookie running back from UCONN Donald Brown will partner with Joseph Addai to form a great backfield.

Tennesse Titans – Vince Young wants to win a Super Bowl and be the MVP. He might have a chance to get the ring, but it will be as a back-up unless he Tonya Harding’s Kerry Collins. LenDale White comes to camp 40 lbs lighter because he didn’t drink Patron tequila in the offseason. The defense loses overrated nosetackle Albert Haynesworth. Anyone who is only on the field for only two downs a series can’t be that important.

Houston Texans – It is always a “breakout” year for the Texans. They seem to have the talent to push them over the top, but play in a tough division that won’t let them get over the hump. No one is questioning that decision to choose Mario Williams first overall anymore and he should make his first appearance in the pro bowl this season. Having a chance to join him in Miami this year will be running back Steve Slaton and wide receiver Andre Johnson should be there again.

Jacksonville Jaguars – This team is in transition. David Garrard needs to prove that he is a top quarterback otherwise they will have to re-tool. Unfortunately, he doesn’t have much to work with because Torry Holt comes in as the number one receiver. One player he can use and will be used all the time is Maurice Jones-Drew. A top fantasy player MJD will get lots of touches since all-time Jag is Fred Taylor is now with the Pats.

AFC North
Pittsburgh Steelers – The defending Super Bowl champions will be in the picture again this season. The defense is one of the best in the NFL and can pressure from all angles because of their depth at linebacker. Big Ben still has Hines Ward and Santonio Holmes to work with as well as Fast Willie Parker and the return of Rashard Mendenhall who returns after a season ending injury last year in the first couple weeks of the season. A tough opponent all season.
Baltimore Ravens – Sophomore Slump? Joe Flacco hopes not. He will work hard to keep up the success he had last season and his weapons return. The dependable Derrick Mason and the exciting Ray Rice. The defense will always be the story in B-More though with Ray Lewis and his intimidating presence.

Cincinnati Bengals – Carson Palmer hopes somebody shows up to play on Sunday’s with him. After the HBO Hard Knocks series followed them around during training camp it seems they are a loose clubhouse (child, please), but will that translate into wins. First round pick Andre Smith held out, reported overweight and then broke his foot in his second practice. It will be a tough season for Cincy, but they do have the best named cheerleading squad in the NFL – the Ben-Gals.

Cleveland Browns – Oh Shit! Brady Quinn will start at QB, but Derek Anderson is waiting in the wings just in case. Braylon Edwards is still an elite wide receiver, he just needs a consistent presence at quarterback. The defense is led by linebacker D’Qwell Jackson. He is one of the best in the NFL and if the Browns aren’t careful he will end up on someone else’s roster before the Browns are at the top of the heap.